A Commitment/Whichever Way the Wind Blows

I read a whole book in a month. To most people that may sound super uneventful and just like boring as hell, but I actually found this practice to be super relaxing, and by the end of the month I found myself celebrating the fact that I managed to make that commitment. From all of this I learned one thing I always thought was true to actually be true: real writers write, but better writers read. I'm not necessarily reading to write, it's just something to do at this point, something to learn to learn to love again. When I was younger, I actually used to enjoy reading. One time I read a whole novel in a day, but then school became more advanced, and reading became a chore, always being tasked with reading this or that until I got to the point where I stopped reading altogether. I remember lying on those reading pizza party things too lmfao. Because who was about to read all them damn books for pizza when we live in Chicago and its pizza on every corner. Like please find somebody else time to waste, there was homework to do, and tv to watch if I was lucky. There was a specific type of "reading" I learned to do over the years to get me through school. Being able to cherry pick from passages in the right way to get me an A on a paper, a high score on a standardized test, or passing grade on a quiz became a specialty of mine and up until recently was the way I read for the last 15 years or so. 

My plan is not to write a book. To be honest, that's a venture I probably won't make an attempt at until I've had a kid or two. I just don't feel like I have book worthy experience or knowledge yet. I prefer to contribute something meaningful to society at a later date. For now, I've just been inspired to return here. But don't get too excited because you know me, here this week, MIA the next. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble about who I truly am, but I am afraid this chapter of my life has been marked by being a "whichever way the wind blows" ass b*tch which is a funnier term for being a gifted burnout. This was all realized during COVID lock down, a.ka. my peak operation time period. I was fresh out of college, had just won a Fulbright Scholarship, cut off all my hair, read Eat, Pray, Love, became a yogi that sat in the grass every day, ran a music blog, and most importantly was unemployed living off government checks. I was having the time of my life, and it was acceptable because no one knew what the f*ck was going on. Me and my friends would smoke and hang out every day, sometimes at the pool, sometimes we would meet up drink wine and waste cheap art supplies, just doing anything really. I was also watching Jeopardy a lot during this time. I remember for my last check I treated myself to a really expensive dinner and I sat outside by myself in silence just sad as hell because I knew it was over and mfs was about to have to get back to regular life. Whew, what a time to be alive. But back to whole burnout thing, suffering from this sort of chronic fatigue makes it hard to commit to anything. I'm still tried from all those long nights studying, pulling all-nighters, and only running on about 5 hours of sleep if I was lucky. But the grind doesn't stop after college especially if you are poor or poverty adjacent and trying to get tf. Having a job which takes up most of the day leaves little to no room for burnout recovery, this is often talked about amongst me and my friends as majority of the people I know if not all of them are gifted burnouts as well. 

My commitments in one way or another have always been tied up to my ability to be happy which for me means having a say so and more importantly, freedom. Spite too. As a former-ish petty b*tch I have to admit that I have seen many a tasks through due to sheer spite, wanting to prove a point, and wanting somebody else to feel like an idiot for whatever reason (usually reactionary and most importantly, justified). This is actually one of the parts of myself that I enjoy the most if I'm being honest. Because if I can't make a commitment to anything else I can make a commitment to pissing somebody off and ruining a mfs day if I need to (emphasis on need to). Other than this, I can be a genuinely kind person. It's actually the way that I prefer to be you know, polite, courteous, and open-hearted, but you also know, sometimes, you do in fact have to pop out and show n*ggas (- a proverb from brother Kendrick whew let the congregation say amen!!! lmfao!)

Let's circle back to books though. The book I just finished was Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton. It was so f*cking good. I'm not gone lie; I was a little nervous at first. Usually reading about love can be a bit of a challenge. Like I tried to read the infamous All About Love by Bell Hooks and literally had to stop after the first chapter because I kept crying and thinking about every time, I got a whooping as a child, but this was much better for me, it was much lighter. She was funny, witty, honest, and non-judgmental, everything I aspire to be as a writer. Without giving too much away, the book basically takes you through her twenties all the way to her turning thirty. She details her own journey with love as well as her friends, and she drops some dope ass recipes too. Very easy summer reading for anyone looking to get back into books. 

It was definitely a book that I needed to read. She and I differ on a lot, but we're similar in a lot of ways. I'm turning 26 in like 2 months-ish and as the youngest amongst my friends it seems like I might be the hot mess of the bunch as well. I'm not really sure where or when it happened, but it just kind of did. A lot of my friends already have long-term partners, kids, engagements, pets, 401(k)'s, all types of adult shit. Me on the other hand I'm just learning to take it day by day and in fact move whichever way the wind blows. These days its blown to reading books, cooking, watching Zillow Gone Wild, and going to the gym. I was playing tennis in a league for a bit, but I got hurt. Love these days looks like re-watching 27 Dresses (my favorite movie), driving with my top-down singing Bennie and the Jets, long sporadic phone calls with friends, and time spent with Ms. Barbara (my fairy God Grandma, and Pisces sister). I know what you're thinking, this doesn't sound like a hot mess at all, but the fact of the matter is that it just got like this. A few months ago, I was job hopping like crazy trying to escape my reality. I worked at an exotic dancewear store/boutique (funny enough, I picked pieces for a movie during this time), a smoke shop, and I was a dance teacher and a waitress all while doing freelance grant writing. Truly a mess, but I also hadn't felt that present in a minute. Tradeoffs, I guess. Mistakes were made, a lot of them in fact, but as I close this chapter and open another, I'm taking accountability, picking up the pieces and looking forward to moving forward from that. Things will get better, and I'm grateful that all is not lost. Besides, someone has to be the hot mess anyway. Life's no fun without one.

One thing Dolly touched on in the book that I really related to was the concept of aging and how one day you're turning 21 and cutting up your fake ID and then the next day you're just not. And for a lot of us, especially women time can be this sort of devastating clock that if you don't do or accomplish certain things by a certain age you can feel like you've missed deadlines and failed. As a late bloomer to most adult things, I definitely have felt those feelings on numerous occasions. But then I start to think about how rich, whimsical, and even testimonial my life experiences have been, and I sort of calm down. Being less anxious has been a new thing for me. Very much giving "what's for you will not pass you by." I do plan to be somebody in this life, somebody important. However, doing things my way even if that means taking longer is something I have been slowly adjusting to as authenticity and integrity are most important to me. After finishing the book, it became even more clear to me that having stable building blocks leads to longevity. It's always easier to enjoy the process when you're not in the process, but Rome wasn't built overnight. 

XOXO,

Princess